I was too weak to work

Becky shares her experience of an eating disorder and how it affected her working life.

I was working as a full time groom (mostly sole charge) on a full and part livery yard. I loved my job, the clients were great, no difficult horses but I was struggling to make ends meet and find the time to dedicate to my own horse.

As the yard got busier the stress levels grew and I found myself forgoing days off, working even when I was feeling really ill etc. I felt like I had no choice, I stopped going to visit friends and family because I either didn't have a day off when they did or I was too tired.

My relationship suffered, we did nothing but argue but I still kept at it thinking it would get better if I just worked a bit harder.

Then one year, shortly after Christmas I lost my grandmother and it hit me how much my job had pulled me away from those I loved. The guilt was immense, but now I felt like the work was all I had so I worked harder.

I skipped meals to save money initially but it became easier and easier to do it, I didn't care about myself anymore, just the job.

There was no support, no one to talk to about it so I became increasingly withdrawn. I had begun to hate the feeling of being 'full' as if I didn't deserve to eat that much, I bought the cheapest food and less and less of it.

I planned the weeks meals meticulously to 'save money' but looking back it was just a way to try to regain some sort of control over the situation.

By now the dislike of being full had got to a point where I would be ill if I ate too much- again I explained this away to myself that I had just eaten too much, refusing to accept the fact that I had induced it myself.

The thing that tipped my over the edge was when my own horse went lame, the vet said he would never come good. It broke me, I simply stopped eating, I had no interest in food, I had no appetite (I told myself and others).

My obsessive behaviour over food spiraled out of control and my health deteriorated.

My husband took me to the doctor who said that my weight was not a source of concern but that I was depressed. This to me sounded like 'it's fine to keep doing what you are doing'. So I did and more so.

By the time I was taken back to the doctors I was too weak to work I was forced to quit, I couldn't think straight and I struggled to be rational about anything.

I spent a year as an outpatient of a specialist eating disorder treatment service receiving psychotherapy, and under the care of dietitians and doctors.

It is 4 years now since the onset of my eating disorder and I have been discharged and am still in recovery, I'm back working with horses again and have learnt (the hard way) that you must talk and the world will not fall apart if you aren't superhuman!

From my experiences, my tips would be:

Talk to someone. I eventually did to a professional and received the help and support I needed. beateatingdisorders.org.uk is the Charity that will help you.

Join the BGA and log in to Grooms Minds where you can check how you are doing with the Mental Health Checker and then look through the numerous sections on the website to discover ways to manage difficult conversations, deal with stress and read some case studies about how you are not on your own.

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