I was embarrassed to admit that I wasn’t OK

As part of World Mental Health Day, we share one BGA member’s story about how her failing mental health led to her reaching rock bottom and leaving the industry.

I have been lucky enough to have had an incredible career at the very top of my game. I have seen the industry at its best and know what an amazing life choice being a groom can be – The best!

As an experienced groom on the international competition circuit, I’d quite often be the go to person for the younger grooms who were struggling. I’d always gladly give my time and support to them and now I want to share my story to prevent other grooms from reaching rock bottom.

As a groom you become part of this huge equine family, an extended community, it’s incredible when you are part of it – a supportive network, or so it appears. I always just wanted to be exceptionally good at my job, give my very best to the horses and employers and those connected, be well respected and cared for, it was my way of life – one I never regret choosing.

The job though is all consuming – even when you are at home you are consumed by the next day, week or show, and all the preparation. I was obsessed with perfection; it's like an addiction – you are not only giving the horses 100% but making sure your rider is OK and supporting them in the good times and the bad times, ensuring the team around you are all ok , owners, supporters etc. You are that constant support, rock and strength.
But as grooms we never invest hardly any time in ourselves and that is where it can start to go wrong.

I did reach out, but no one wanted to listen or deal with me fundamentally – so I just kept going, I kept trying, thinking that if I buried my head it would be fine, I kept believing it would be genuinely OK. I was such a strong person?

But then I started doubting my ability to go to work and do my job, I was emotional and tearful but had to put a brave face on for others, I felt exhausted, I felt myself shutting down, I just couldn’t cope with anything. I had gone from being incredibly calm and practical and amazing under pressure to feeling like everything was tougher; a drama and it all felt like too much.

No one around me appeared to reach out and check in with me or pull me aside and suggest ‘I think you need to go and see a doctor or talk about it’; the problem is stopping to genuinely check in with someone takes time and as we all know as grooms there are never enough hours in the day!

At the time I felt alone with ‘it’ but I also know they were trying their best - people are awkward at knowing how to check in with people and it is often easier not to ask.

Sadly for me I didn’t reach out to a professional until my circumstances changed.

The horses and the routine that were keeping me going were suddenly not there, my coping mechanism had disappeared along with so many things that meant so much to me.

I ended up in a place I didn’t want to be in and felt like there was no way out.

I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t coping, but something inside told me to focus on the good things I do have. I knew those close to me didn’t know how to cope or help; but with their support, I fundamentally had to start helping myself.

The first thing I did was reach out to my doctor, I couldn’t even make the phone call so I sent an email and they rang me and encouraged me to go in and speak to them – that small step felt huge…

The industry is losing a huge amount of great and experienced grooms who can give so much to the sport because people are not talking about how they really feel. I want people to be able talk more about mental health struggles and for employers and yards to stop and do their best to listen and support those grooms in the same way they would have supported you and your business.

Quite often there is no time, or privacy, to have a conversation. Sometimes getting an hour to yourself knowing that you’re going to cry and fall apart without being questioned can feel like a challenge, but if you are having a hard time and struggling at work, reach out to a professional. Make a little time for yourself. We are all bad at not taking any time away but sometimes you need to.

My experience nearly destroyed me, but if this helps one person to reach out and talk to someone before they get to a point where they question their worth then I share it wholeheartedly.

Invest in yourself- it’s so important.

World Mental Health Day takes place annually on 10th October. 

Grooms Minds is an online resource dedicated to supporting the mental health and well-being of BGA members. You can access it here.